“Don’t be tied up as equal partners with people who don’t believe. What does righteousness share with that which is outside the Law? What relationship does light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (CEB)

One of the big issues I often encountered when I was in youth ministry was interfaith dating– specifically Christians dating nonchristians or nominal Christians. I always advised against it, but unfortunately, I usually found myself fighting a losing battle. When a teenager refused to take my advice and dated outside their faith anyway, I prayed that their relationship would be the rare exception where both participants would grow closer to God in spite of the odds. Things usually didn’t work out that way.

The fact is, interfaith relationships rarely work, and last month Naomi Schaefer Riley made that observation in the Washington Post:

[Interfaith marriages] fail at higher rates than same-faith marriages. But couples don’t want to hear that, and no one really wants to tell them. Figuring out how to raise the kids in a mixed-faith household is difficult. Religions, if taken seriously, are often mutually exclusive…

Couples don’t want to hear it because often they’ve bought into the idea that “love conquers all”– a phrase coined by Virgil and quoted by Chaucer but nonexistent in the pages of the Bible.  In our society, when we hear the word “love” used in the context of marriage, it usually means romantic love, not unconditional love or the “perfect love that drives out fear” (1 Corinthians 4:18).

The cold reality is that a relationship between a committed Christian and someone who doesn’t share their faith is probably going to turn into a spiritual love triangle. The Christian in the relationship will probably feel torn between God and their partner and might feel the need to change the other person. The nonchristian might feel alienated from or judged by the Christian. Barring a legitimate conversion of the nonchristian, the believing partner will likely feel pressure to suppress their own Christianity– at least so far as the relationship is concerned. In almost every case I’ve observed, interfaith dating leads to backsliding for the Christian.

A person’s faith is central to who they are. When two people become one flesh and can’t share something that’s part of their very identities, problems are bound to arise. Marriage is hard work as it is– incompatible faiths can make it nearly impossible.

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